Hey, Firstborn here!
For anyone new, no I’m not a hacker, I’m actually a part of this family, you just haven’t heard anything of me lately ‘cause I left for Canada back in July. I spent a few days at home with the roommates we rented our house to, then stayed 10 days with family friends, then stayed at home for a couple days before travelling to the West Coast for two and a half weeks to land back at home when the roommates were packing up. I’ve been in our family home alone for about 5 weeks. And yes, I’m 17.
So how many people got alcohol poisoning? What did I break? What stupid teenage ideas went flop?
Well, funny story.
I was texting my siblings’ friends mom (as well as one of my mom’s closest friends) on one of my last nights alone and she asked what craziness I would be up and I said I was enjoying blasting music because no one else in this family likes listening to music very loudly. She seemed surprised that was all. Maybe she thought I was lying? Funny story though, I wasn’t. I really did spend my last week alone blasting music and cleaning the house.
But that’s no fun right? So I’m gonna tell you the craziness I did for the other weeks and some others I didn’t but I think are excellent suggestions and very plausible.
DO NOT SHOW THIS TO YOUR KIDS!!!
*I AM NOT LIABLE FOR ANY MISCONDUCT BY YOUR KIDS FROM READING THIS*
-Get carrots and instead of eating them pretend they’re cigarettes (for the real bad kid, you may use Popeye sticks)
-Hide the mailbox
-Bake oregano into brownies (or sprinkle on carrots/popeye sticks)
-Don’t empty the dishwasher right away, wait. Like two whole days!
-Listen to music really loud
-Listen to music with swearing
-Sleep in everyone else’s bed
-Sweet and sour chicken
-Lose your key and have to break in
-Use your parents stamps to send mail
-Invite your friends over for a party. A dinner party. Maybe get some lobster (how naughty)
-Whine. A lot.
-Rum. Pelstiltskin. (Good story)
-Buy plum sauce cause your mother would never approve
-Use protection (baseball bat by bed)
-Call a friend at night because of scary noises, fall asleep on the phone, get smacked with an extra $60 on your phone bill (free calls end at 7am)
-Give away vegetables door to door after CSA baskets were never picked up
-Try to sell vegetables door to door after CSA baskets were never picked up. Meet someone that tells you to go sell to a local coop that buys from farmers. Walk all the way there to get turned down because you didn’t grow the vegetables. Give vegetables to man cooking in the coop’s restaurant. Receive homemade beer from man in return. Forget you don’t like beer. Give Fahbio beer when he arrives home.
But really, the month went quite smoothly. No cops, no drunkenness, no pregnancy (as I heard a couchsurfer was warning my mother would happen), double bonus no STIs, no fuses blown, no pipes burst, no crazy parties, nothing broken. I had an ulcer scare, but it seemed to have sorted itself out.
Facts from this month:
-I used 4,270 minutes on my phone
-I spent 55.5 hours on Skype
-I spent over 40 hours on facebook call
-I found a dead mouse dehydrated and stuck to the bottom of a pitcher
-I saw Lorde with 10,000-12,000 other people but I got seventh row